I recently had the opportunity to go to court. I use the term "opportunity" very carefully. It does not reflect the way I initially felt or talked about it, but I have since come around. If you have never had to stand before a judge, your friends, family, and strangers to give a detailed account of your deepest hurt and shame two chairs away from the person who caused most of it, I highly recommend it. I wouldn't consider it the funnest thing in town, but it will definitely give you a better - more accurate - perspective of God and yourself. In the grand scheme of things, that is really what I'm going for in this life. I had hoped that I would gain that understanding through something not quite so humiliating and terrifying, but I'll take it how I can get it.
I'm the type of person who regularly says, "don't judge me," for minor things (like the way I eat pizza). Let me tell you, the level of scrutiny I was under both times I went before the judge was/is unparalleled to anything I've ever experienced. But he wasn't just squinting at me as I intricately picked apart my pizza, he was making a major decision for my life based on his observations and opinions on my situation. (Note: I was not in trouble, I filed a civil case.) I tried and struggled to comprehend the level of authority this man possessed with my small mind, my hands trembled with fear as I slowly and carefully recounted my story and plead my case to him. And my soul began to tremble at the realization that there is another judge that is infinitely higher, sovereign, and more powerful than even this man that sat before me. Whose decisions and verdict will surpass all time. Who does not simply judge outward appearance - how the story looks from the outside looking in, but the hearts of sinful man, the motives. There is no story, no cover-up, no lie, no silence that can hide the truth from him. There is no bribe, no weariness, no laziness, no misunderstanding that will cause an unjust decision. In light of the decision that was made, I initially found comfort in this. One day, this Judge will have the final say. He won't have to take my word for anything, and no amount of silence or dishonesty will muddy the waters because He was there and knows both of our hearts -
Pause.
He knows my heart.
He knows my pride that led to this situation, every time I doubted His goodness, every time I have neglected to do the right thing because of fear, every time I've thought my ways are better than His, or thought myself to be more deserving of His grace than someone else. He sees the bitterness and cynicism that I struggle with every day, and how my fear and shame often tempt me to isolate myself from His other children, the very ones he blessed me with and who have been beyond kind and gracious to me.
Suddenly I don't want to stand before Him because I see myself more clearly. And some things are better seen through dim and blurry vision. I don't like to see my edges, made sharp by my own bitterness, or the cracks in my character. I don't want to see the stains all over me made by my own sin and the sin of others.
It is in this moment that I see with more clarity and certainty than ever before that I. Need. Jesus. Every interaction with other people. Every decision. Every hour. Every moment. Every breath. Because left to my own devices... I'll end up in a courtroom on a rainy Tuesday afternoon unsure of how I even got there, how things got so out of hand.
But maybe being utterly defeated is the beginning of victory.
I'm the type of person who regularly says, "don't judge me," for minor things (like the way I eat pizza). Let me tell you, the level of scrutiny I was under both times I went before the judge was/is unparalleled to anything I've ever experienced. But he wasn't just squinting at me as I intricately picked apart my pizza, he was making a major decision for my life based on his observations and opinions on my situation. (Note: I was not in trouble, I filed a civil case.) I tried and struggled to comprehend the level of authority this man possessed with my small mind, my hands trembled with fear as I slowly and carefully recounted my story and plead my case to him. And my soul began to tremble at the realization that there is another judge that is infinitely higher, sovereign, and more powerful than even this man that sat before me. Whose decisions and verdict will surpass all time. Who does not simply judge outward appearance - how the story looks from the outside looking in, but the hearts of sinful man, the motives. There is no story, no cover-up, no lie, no silence that can hide the truth from him. There is no bribe, no weariness, no laziness, no misunderstanding that will cause an unjust decision. In light of the decision that was made, I initially found comfort in this. One day, this Judge will have the final say. He won't have to take my word for anything, and no amount of silence or dishonesty will muddy the waters because He was there and knows both of our hearts -
Pause.
He knows my heart.
He knows my pride that led to this situation, every time I doubted His goodness, every time I have neglected to do the right thing because of fear, every time I've thought my ways are better than His, or thought myself to be more deserving of His grace than someone else. He sees the bitterness and cynicism that I struggle with every day, and how my fear and shame often tempt me to isolate myself from His other children, the very ones he blessed me with and who have been beyond kind and gracious to me.
Suddenly I don't want to stand before Him because I see myself more clearly. And some things are better seen through dim and blurry vision. I don't like to see my edges, made sharp by my own bitterness, or the cracks in my character. I don't want to see the stains all over me made by my own sin and the sin of others.
It is in this moment that I see with more clarity and certainty than ever before that I. Need. Jesus. Every interaction with other people. Every decision. Every hour. Every moment. Every breath. Because left to my own devices... I'll end up in a courtroom on a rainy Tuesday afternoon unsure of how I even got there, how things got so out of hand.
But maybe being utterly defeated is the beginning of victory.
"For the Lord will vindicate His people and have compassion on His servants when He sees their power is gone and there is none remaining."
- Deuteronomy 32:36
I see the hand of God and His provision more than ever, I feel His presence so incredibly near, I understand a little more the great power and authority of God. I know me need for a savior more than ever before. I understand the meaning and the necessity of a plea, and why it is only through Jesus that mine is strong and perfect. ("Before the Throne" by Shane & Shane).
The shame I feel is real, but it is not mine to carry, and one word comes to mind: Gratitude....
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