I do not like talking about this. I only told about five people that I was having surgery. I don't like to feel weak or judged. Telling people that I have an incurable disease makes me feel weak and useless. Then from a distant place in pain-med hazed mind, I hear Chris Tomlin singing, "I lay me down, I'm not my own, I belong to You alone." Which is the reason I decided to write this post. At the moment, everything hurts. Not only am I in pain physically, but my heart is broken. Yesterday I only felt relief because I knew what was wrong, but when I woke up this morning, all I could think is something is wrong me, and it's not going away. And that something has turned my life upside down. It's going to be expensive. And I just want to cry. Today, I finished Jennie Allen's book, Anything. It's taken me months to finish because I'm that terrible of a person, but the words I read today were exactly what I needed to hear. So maybe it's a good thing that I didn't finish it in a reasonable amount of time. What I now understand is that this illness is not mine. It's not my fault. It doesn't make me weak. It's a thorn in my side (quite literally). I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know what will come of it. But I will not stay silent because it's obviously part of God's plan for my life. I won't be ashamed or embarrassed by it. It won't be my little secret. Instead, I choose to view it as a tool. Even if that means going through all pain and disappointments associated with endo. I believe that God will give me all the grace I need to handle this. At the moment, I don't know a lot of things. I don't know why this happened to me, I don't know how deeply it will impact my life, I don't know how I'm going to manage it. I don't even know what I don't know. But I do know this: God is paving my way, He knew about this long before I was even a thought, and He has a plan for me.
When I view this diagnosis in a selfish light, all I can see is the pain and inconvenience that I have and will continue to experience. But when I lay down my expectations and visions for what my life should be and trade them for God and all his goodness, all I see is a new way to glorify God. I don't know how, (partially because I can barely keep my eyes open and nothing makes sense to me right now), but also because I am a simple human with a simple mind and a narrow field of vision. However, I won't let that stop me to letting my magnificent, all-knowing, all-seeing God from using me.
I found you through one of your comments on Pinterest and saw that you JUST got diagnosed with Endo. I just want you to know that there is a cure - it's not one that ANY OF US want but it's there when you are ready.....Getting a FULL Hysterectomy (that removes everything, including ovaries which produce the endometriosis-producing-hormone estrogen). However, I was diagnosed the same way you were- with a LOT OF abdominal pain, which FINALLY led to a laporoscopy exploratory surgery. After 4 MORE laporoscopy surgeries to REMOVE the endo within 2-3 years, and a LOT MORE scar tissue from each surgery, I finally decided on a full hysterectomy at age 24 since I figured the pain wasn't worth trying to have a baby anymore. While I was about to get the Lupron Depo Shot right before my surgery- the doctor performed a pregnancy test (completely by accident) and I found out that I was 4 months pregnant!! In case you don't know what that shot does (which I'm on again right now)- it shuts your estrogen OFF ENTIRELY, so it would have killed our daughter 100%, but that doctor made me get a pregnancy test before she would give me that shot. To this day, as mad as I was for having to get a blood test THEN a shot- I still am very grateful for her (I absolutely HATE needles and shots)!!!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, my husband and I had been trying for 2 years before I gave up and agreed to that hysterectomy.
Well now we have 3 children (3rd was TOTALLY not expected or planned, but God works in mysterious ways)!!! I couldn't imagine my life without all 5 of us right now!!! I still have a lot of pain, but I have a lot of support (mainly online), and I see a doctor for pain every once in a while but I've learned that there are many different non-narcotic options for abdominal pain!!! However, I've decided that I am finally ready for that hysterectomy. But for the last 15 years, I've lead a wonderful and normal life....with some unbearable pain every once in a while. I don't want to lie to you but I also don't want you to think that your life is over OR that you can't do everything you have all ready planned for your future (family, kids, travel, CEO of your own company, whatever you want to do)!!! Good luck and know that there are a LOT OF US going through everything that you are experiencing. And normally the pain from surgery (exactly EVERYTHING that you described) goes away within 4-7 days. Every time I had a surgery for Endo- my mom and I watched ALL 6 seasons of Sex and The City. So I've seen all 6 seasons 4 times now and I will watch it again after this next surgery!! ;)
Hi! Thank you so much. Now that I've had some time to process everything and have had another doctor's appointment, I am feeling a little better/hopeful. I also realized that I've been dealing with endo for years, so having a name for all my problems isn't a big deal - other than the fact that I can start to treat/manage it better than before. I'm only in stage 1, so hopefully we'll be able to keep it to a minimum. I do have to say I was pretty shocked and irritated at how many problems those few spots can cause, though! I love that you found out your were pregnant right before the depo shot. (My doc told me about it, but we both agreed that we still have plenty of other options to try before that.) Thanks again, and I hope all goes well with your surgery! :)
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