Living Loved

First of all, I'm actually shocked that I have churned out another post so soon. But.. Yay!

I am so grateful to God for guiding me through my struggles in His time. Had I not gone through the hurt, I would not have grown and matured in the ways that I have; however, I do not want to stay in that hurt forever. I have worked through so much, but there is more to be done. I am not dwelling on my hurt. I think it is important to recognize all that has been done, the lessons learned, the hurt that has been healed, the fears that have been calmed, the hopes that have been restored. Equally important, is the recognition of what needs to be done. Without it, there would be no further progress. It's all about balance.

So much of this year has given me opportunity to be bitter. Sometimes I have been. Other times I have not. Every time, it is a struggle. I get so frustrated about so many things. I don't understand why things ended up the way they did. I can't always see God in my circumstances. People don't always respond like I think they should. I don't give myself grace like I should.

Just last night I made a hasty post on Instagram because I was frustrated about someone's response. I felt misunderstood and invalidated. I deleted the post because I realized that I was not writing or sharing from a place of grace or truth, but of anger and frustration. It was pretty ironic because I started mentally writing this post about not being bitter yesterday morning. At first I wanted to give up on this post, put it in my mental trash bin. Who I am I to talk about not being bitter? The thing is, everything I wanted to write, I still believe. I am not perfect, I am progressive. I have not come to a point where I never get angry, but by the grace of God I have been able to forgive more than I thought I could, and I believe that He will continue to give me grace so that I will be able to forgive even more (2 Corinthians 12:9).

A few weeks ago, my pastor was teaching on Hebrews 12. Verse 15 says, "Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many (NLT)." We had a little segway  on bitterness, and we talked about it more the following Wednesday at my home group. One of the things that my pastor used to identify when bitterness creeps in is the belief that pain is an obstacle keeping us from God's plan. I cannot speak for everyone, but this is so true in my life. How many times have I angrily said, "It wasn't supposed to be this way," and had a thought life that reflected a belief that the events in my life have been outside of God's control; therefore, the rest of my life is out of His plan and everything is ruined. Because I have been wronged, I then point to the person who has hurt me and, like child, say, "Because of them, I am missing out on God's plan." Who wouldn't be angry when they think things like this? The problem is, it's simply not true. 

Let's unpack this logical and spiritual fallacy. Whether the pain you are experiencing is a result of the direct wrongdoing on someone else's part, the consequence of your own sin/wrongdoing, or maybe a combination of both, I'm sure you did not plan on feeling it. I didn't plan on being abused. I questioned whether we would "click," but I never dreamed things would go as bad as they did. When everything came crashing down on me, I was SHOCKED. This was NOT what I had planned or imagined. Surely this wan't God's plan for me. If I'm out of God's plan, that means that every call he had on my life is null and void, right?  The reality is, I was never out of God's hands, I was never out of His realm of influence. I was out of my plan, I was out of my realm of control, my life was far from what I had envisioned. I couldn't see past that. 

What if the call that I had felt before all of this happened will be strengthened by what I perceive to be out of God's plan and even control? What if the thing in your life that you think has made you unusable by God is the thing that God is going to use the most? I can tell you that in the short time that I have opened up, I have made more connections and deeper connections with people. The very thing that I thought had ostracized me is what has connected me. 

"Father, as Jesus has forgiven us, so help us want to forgive others. Write stories of redemption and restoration with the ink of our hurt and Your grace." 

- Excerpt from, "A Prayer for Ridding Ourselves of Bitterness," Scotty Smith

The actions of others (or myself for that matter) cannot change God's plan, and that the events of my life do not surprise God. In fact, He put His call on my life with the knowledge of what would happen. With that knowledge in mind, I can lay down my anger at anyone for "keeping me from God's plan." This frees me to look at the situation with a clearer perspective. 

I know there are times when it seems like people are against us, but more often, I think people are for themselves. One practical tool that has helped me the be more forgiving towards others is to change my perspective. What would motivate someone to behave this way? Why would someone so blatantly disregard my boundaries and dignity? Why would someone say such hurtful and hateful things? 

"There isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story."
- Mary Lou Kownacki

I have to step into their shoes, understand how their previous life experiences have impacted their current behavior. So often, I come to a conclusion of compassion. Fully healed, loved, and whole people don't hurt others. I repeat, fully healed, loved, and whole people don't hurt others. This begs me to ask, is it their own bitterness that has manifested itself? Is this a cycle of pain? Is this what the author of Hebrews meant when the only consequence he mentioned of bitterness was, "corrupting many?" Is this simply a product of their own hurt? And if I know enough about them, usually I can see that the answer is a resounding and heartbreaking YES. How can I be angry at someone when I know that their hurt and brokenness are so deep that it oozes from every aspect of their life? It's like lava oozing from a volcano, of course it will burn.

The world tells me to be angry. The world says that if I stomp my feet and raise my voice, something will be done. If I make a sign and stand outside and yell, I will change the world. People I know have told me that I deserve to be bitter. Part of me wants to agree. I think it would be easy to clench my fists. It would be so easy to slip into anger. 

Then I hear the tender voice of Jesus.

"But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.... You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate." - Luke 6:27-28, 36

I'm reminded of the love that has been given to me. I'm reminded that it's the lack of that love, grace, forgiveness, and redemption that has brought about all this hurt. I'm reminded that fully healed, loved, and whole people don't hurt others. I realize that there is not one person who is my enemy, it is darkness. It isn't Me vs. Them, it's Dark vs. Light (Ephesians 6:12). Instead of focusing on myself and my hurt, I see that it's a much bigger problem. Instead of being angry about the presence of darkness, I can focus on being a source of light.