What is love?

Hello, all! I promise I have not abandoned blogging. My life has been absolutely crazy! I think about things I want to write every day, but simply have not found the time to write them! To update you on my craziness, I am finishing up my last semester to get my Associate's degree right now, bought a car, recently started working a part-time job in retail, am continuing with all my other usual responsibilities, and am continuing to battle my endometriosis every day. Needless to say, all the change I have experienced in the past few months has kept me completely over my head. I have missed blogging so much. Aside from my busyness, I have been dealing with some struggles within myself and felt I needed a break. Over time, I will write about those struggles in particular. At the moment I don't feel quite ready to open up about it, but I want to soon, and I hope that some of you will find a sense of comfort, peace, understanding, and/or wisdom. What I have to share with you today is actually from a paper I wrote for a sociology class I am currently taking. The assignment was to answer the question, "What is love?" Of all my papers I've written in college, this has by far been my favorite. It is so relevant to the real world no matter where you are in life, and I found it quite beneficial to my own mental, spiritual, and emotional well-being to write a very structured definition of "love."

Love is an interesting topic. It is one of the most common aspects of human life, yet possibly one of the least understood. Is it a feeling? An action? Is it spiritual, emotional, mental, or chemical? What is this “thing” that creates families in the good times and holds them together in the bad? Some people may say it is simply a chemical reaction in the brain, the perfect blend of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. While all of these chemicals may be released in the presence of someone you love, I believe there is more to it than three neurotransmitters. One very simple reason for this is the fact that many couples are married for fifty years or more. At times, I am sure their brains produced a lovely cocktail of chemicals that produced many wonderful feelings, but I know, without a doubt, that there were other times that they caused each other to produce stress inducing hormones like cortisol and norepinephrine. If love were simply a magic chemical formula, marriages would never make it to a year because our hormones change quite frequently. I have heard people say that “love is an action,” or “love is a verb.” I would partially agree, but I do not believe that love is just an action; moreover, I believe it is a series of actions and decisions combined. Through the ups and downs of life, the acceptance and rejection of others, and the ever changing combinations of hormones produced, love is a decision that must be made every day, multiple times a day.

In 2006, Robert Sternberg proposed his Triangular Theory of Love. He says love is composed of three elements: intimacy, commitment, and passion. As a firm believer of the Bible, I began to compare this to my knowledge and familiarity with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 to see if it held up. This passage states, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” I made a list of the qualities: “patient, kind, humble, etc.” and began to label them in conjunction with Sternberg’s characteristics. I found that the first half of the passage seemed to coincide with intimacy (the feeling that one can share all thoughts and actions with another). Traits like patience, kindness, humbleness, and not being envious, rude, or selfish all seem to be quite effective in promoting this feeling of sharing and the trust that must go along with it. If you love someone, I believe that you will make someone comfortable emotionally and encourage them to be open and honest about their thoughts, desires, goals, and fears. Sometimes this means telling a partner that they have upset you. In this case, the hormones in your body would most likely take a quick shift from the “love cocktail” to a more angry or defensive “brew,” but if you truly love someone, you will meet them with patience and kindness to listen and the humbleness to be willing to admit that you have hurt your partner and be willing to change that behavior.

As the passage goes on, it outlines the lasting element of love, saying it bears, believes, hopes, and endures all things, and finishes up with a simple yet powerful statement: “Love never ends.” What statement could better compliment Sternberg’s element of commitment? Just as the legs of a triangle support each other, so do the elements of Sternberg’s theory. While they can all exist without each other, in the context of a relationship, they strengthen each other. Yes, you could be patient and kind to any person, but when you are committed to them for life – for better or worse, in sickness and health, the motivation to be patient and kind and to keep them content should increase as you will be spending the rest of your life with them. Nobody wants to live with a miserable person, so most people will at least try to do their part to making sure that does not become their reality. In addition, if the other person is sure that their partner is committed to them, they will also be more inclined to behave in line with the intimate characteristics. One reason that people don’t show intimacy is fear of rejection. If that fear is eliminated, is much easier to be vulnerable. Having a firm trust in and commitment to each other only promotes intimacy. Where intimacy flourishes, passion follows.

The third and final element to Sternberg’s triangle, passion, is not found in 1 Corinthians 13, but is mentioned earlier in chapter 7 where the author, Paul, states, “For it is better to marry than to burn with passion,” (verse 9). Physical affection, or passion, and the desire for it is understood to be part of human nature and something that is to be fulfilled through romantic relationships. In today’s culture, one night stands are becoming the norm. While the right physical stimulus may produce a certain physical pleasure, it does not have the same connection and bonding as a relationship that has built passion through intimacy and mutual commitment. Of course, the physical act of sex can occur without love, but if it occurs within the confines of a romantic relationship and it part of strengthening the intimacy and commitment that has already been established, it will go beyond a physical act for physical stimulus. It will truly bring two people together emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. That kind of connection in its best and purest form will only further promote intimacy and commitment; thus, continuing and strengthening the other aspects of the relationships (intimacy and commitment or the characteristics listed in 1 Corinthians 13).

To me, love is a choice and a commitment of the mind, will, body, and spirit. When two people with common goals and good intentions make this choice and commitment, something beautiful is bound to form. It may produce dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin at times, but more often than that, it produces good character. A character that promotes intimacy and self-expression through the best and worst of times, a character that cares for another above one self, and one that is committed to another indefinitely. In its rawest form, I believe that love is the ultimate desire and choice to know and be known.

Thank you all for continuing to read my blog, I'm sorry have not been consistent in my writing. I hope that you will continue to bear with me and that this hiatus will prove to be beneficial to me and the content that I produce in the coming months.