If you have read some of my posts from the past, you know that my life has been turned upside down because of my health. Waking up sick and never getting better isn't something that most people plan for. I sure didn't! I had heard of chronic pain and some autoimmune diseases, but never thought that I would be a victim. Looking back, I can see little red flags that could have warned me that I wasn't as healthy as I thought. Now that I am on the other side of things, I want you all to try and understand a little bit about life with chronic pain. I know I can't speak for everyone and that different people handle pain different. I hope that this post will apply to most people with chronic pain and maybe help them feel not so alone, and that those of you who are healthy will come to a place of better understanding for those of us who live out our lives with some degree of pain every day.
1. It’s stressful: Chronic pain is one of the most stressful things I’ve
experienced. Menial tasks have become huge chores on flare days (which seem to
be growing closer together all the time). I am a busy person. I work, am a full
time student, am involved in my church, have a house that is always in need of
cleaning, I have friends that I want to do things with, a guitar that “needs” to be
played, and what seems like a hundred other things to do. The last thing I feel
like I should be doing is napping/resting, racking up hours spend in different doctor’s
offices, and sorting/counting out my medicines for every day. My life is crazy
without some unknown illness hanging over my head and making me miserable. All
the tasks that I own seem much more daunting now that I can’t keep up.
Everything is overwhelming to me.
2. It’s embarrassing: I may be the only one who feels this way, but I
get embarrassed about my pain. I don’t want people to know that I’m hurting,
and I sure don’t want them to know that it keeps me from doing some things that
I want to do. I don’t want people to know that I have to take different
medicines all throughout the day just to try and keep up with them. The other day, I was on a little trip with friends.
We were walking (more like they were walking and I was dying), and I finally
had to tell them to stop for a minute and then pop a pill. No one said anything
to make me feel embarrassed, but deep down I didn’t want to be that person.
Nobody does. I might feel different if I was actually able to say what I’m
taking medicine for. For now, I don’t have a for sure diagnosis. Yes, there are
a few conditions that are very probable and that I am being tested for, but I
don’t know for certain. I would feel a lot better about being a pain to my dear
friends if I could tell them why I am the way I am.
3. It’s draining: Pain is draining. Physically, mentally, emotionally,
socially, and spiritually draining. Most people (especially those who have
never experienced chronic pain), don’t think far beyond the physical aspect of
pain. Even then, they cannot imagine how much it wears a person out to hurt ALL
the time for months or even years. I have been so tired that I was struggling
to keep my eyes open while walking down a busy hall. Some days I have to take
several naps a day. This is coming from a girl who used to take a few naps a
year. The majority of days, I am mentally wiped out. I can’t hold a thought to
save my life. I say, “What was I saying,” in the middle of more sentences than
I care to admit. I often “feel like I’m headed for a breakdown” (Unwell byMatchbox Twenty). I’ve always been sensitive, emotional, sentimental, etc., but
lately it’s been worse. I guess stress will do that to you. The relational and
spiritual aspects of my life are the ones that I have been trying to protect
the most through all of this. I need God and a circle of supportive friends “MoreThan Ever” during this difficult point in my life. That being said, sometimes it’s hard for me to get out and
socialize. I’m already an introvert. Put a load of pain on me, and I’m liable
to never come out of my room again. Sometimes I don’t want to go to church
because I hurt so badly. All of this leads me through my next point.
4. It’s a thief: Chronic pain is a thief. Everything that it drains
away, it steals. Maybe I shouldn’t let it, but it often steals my joy. If I’m
not careful, on days like today it steals my passion. It steals my excitement.
When I get to feeling this bad, it feels like it steals my purpose in life. I
can hope and pray that tomorrow will be better. I can struggle through the pain
in order to fulfill my purpose, but then I go right back to losing my joy. I
don’t want to struggle to do the things I am called to do. When I do, it sucks
the joy out of it and makes me very frustrated….
5. It’s frustrating: I have always been a frustrated person. I think
that everyone has a go-to emotion when things go wrong. Mine is frustration. It
doesn’t really matter what is happening, if it’s bad, I’m most likely frustrated.
I get really frustrated about the fact that I can’t type this post, play my
guitar, walk with my friends, work, clean house, and sometimes breathe without hurting. I feel guilty
for not being able to do everything that I need to get done in a day, but I
know I need to rest. I honestly feel guilty for sitting down to write this
post, but then this aching pain in my hands and wrists instigated by typing reminds me that I can’t
do much else right now anyway. I worry that people will think that I am lazy
and start to feel useless. I used to wish for a day every now and then where I could just chill on the couch if I wanted to, but now I wish for days that I didn't feel a pull to the couch as if I was magnetized to it. Every day is a process for me to learn how to give
myself patience and grace according to how I feel. This has really taught me
how to live one day at a time. Sometimes I feel like I live one hour at a time!
I have actually told people that I will get back with them later to see if I
can get together just later that day. Maybe that’s how God intended for us to
live. He says to “Let tomorrow take care of itself,” but I am a planner. I keep
up with my planner and try to schedule my life weeks – even months in advance.
Through this experience, I have really cut back on my planning which is probably a good thing.
6. It’s scary: This goes back to not having a diagnosis. I don’t like
not knowing what’s wrong with me. It’s truly terrifying when you can feel your
body falling apart, but you don’t know what’s causing it and you don’t know how
to stop it.
7. It hurts: This is kind of a given considering it’s “pain,” but it
hurts even deeper knowing that there is a good possibility that this is my new
normal, that my life has taken a drastic turn, , that there are many things that
I want to do that are simply out of the question right now, that I don’t know
how long it will be until (or if I ever will ever be able to) do them again,
and that most people just don’t understand. Only half the pain is physical.
There’s a whole other dimension of pain that no pill could ever attempt to
touch.
If you know somebody with chronic pain, take a little time to give them a nice gentle hug and let them know that you care. It may not take away the physical pain, but a little understanding sure does go a long ways in helping the other side of the pain.
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