Reconciled

The past few months have brought much change in my life - wanted and needed. Even wanted change brings a level of stress and uncertainty, and after the dust settles, a period of reflection.

My last post spoke to my waiting on the Lord. The end of August, brought the end to my waiting! I was finally hired for a new job that's not retail! (*praise hands*) I'm still STOKED to have weekends off and to be learning technical skills that will help me in my future.  Just before that, I started going to counseling again, and recently have started EMDR therapy there. I haven't been very vocal about this online or in my "real life." I thought it would be better for me to give myself space to process without trying to make a post or conversation piece about it. I'm not done with therapy, but I do feel like I am now at a point where a can share and want to share about some of the conclusions I have drawn.

I want you to think about your life. Think about the highest highs and the lowest lows. Sometimes I find it hard to think about them at the same time. Something in me can't reconcile the fact that there can be these horrible things in my life that exist and the same time as other things that are so wonderful. I would say that's a good portion of what my therapy has been - accepting that hurt and healing can exist in the same space, learning enjoy the good despite the existence of bad. Sometimes the bad feels too big, too heavy, too dark, to be able to see any light. Anxiety whispers that danger is lurking around every corner. My mind replays my very worst memories and my fear taunts me, saying, "Not only did you deserve it then, it is your destiny moving forward." 

I'm sitting at a stoplight on my lunch break, someone drives by. I pray they didn't see me as I will my food to stay down as my stomach churns. I go home that night and cry, it's a release of sorts. It is the peak of the battle in my mind. I am tired. I have been pushing back the terror, begging it to just let me make it through the work day. I do not have the energy or logic at this point to fight - I am mentally and emotionally delirious with exhaustion. 

I imagine myself as a small child, shaking and crying in terror at the monsters under her bed. And then, like the loving father He is, I hear The Word of God speak to me, "Daughter, come here."

"No, don't you see, the monster, he's right there."

"Oh Chloe, look at me. Look up, you'll see there's only me. Did you forget? There is only one monster, and I already defeated him - once and for all."

And like the child I am, I giggle a little through my teary eyes, "Silly me, I knew that."

Father bends down and, with a tender smile, dries my eyes, "I know, sometimes you just need reminded. Now, come on. I have more things I want to teach you, things I want to show you, places I want to take you."

I will admit, there was a bit of pride that didn't want me to write that illustration. But I felt it was too accurate. Just as I find the idea of monsters as complete fantasy and an illogical fear, I should find the lies of satan - veiled through words like "anxiety" and "worry" - as completely illogical. 

I believe that the only way to truly be able to disregard lies, is to have a higher regard for truth - for Christ - than any other voice that we may hear throughout our day. 

The past two years I have had my best and worst experiences. I have had the most hurtful and the most healing words spoken to, over, and about me. I have been the recipient of the most gracious acts of kindness and generosity, and have also been literally robbed of my dignity, joy, and passion for life. My eyes well with tears as I write and remember. Maybe it's the extreme nature of the last two years that have made it so hard for me as I seek to reconcile it all within me. But maybe my goal shouldn't be to reconcile them. Maybe I should aim higher. Maybe there is something that is bigger - Someone - who goes beyond my own mental understanding of my highs and lows.  

All this became a little clearer to me as I was listening to "Seasons" by Will Retherford. The chorus says, "You delight in me and You call me loved, for Your love has changed my life. Your love is greater, Your love is stronger, Your love is everything to me. Your love is deeper, Your love is wider, Your love is everything to me." Maybe it was just the timing that I heard this, but it hit a place deep inside me. No matter how high the highs or low the lows, past or future, the love of God will ALWAYS be more. That being said, the love of God should always be my greatest concern, the thing I trust in, the thing I adore the most, the only voice that has a say in my life. And it will be the thing that reconciles the best and the worst in my life. The bow that wraps everything together. And when I finally reach my forever home in heaven, it will be the only thing I see.