Have you ever had those times where you think you know exactly what God is going to do? You can see all the pieces coming together, it makes sense, it feels good, your heart swells with joy, your soul seems to exhale a sigh of relief. This is how God is going to redeem my story. This is the beginning of my new chapter.
But then He doesn't do that. Just as fast as you saw those pieces coming together, they start to fall apart again. The path that seemed so clear, so bright, so hopeful, is now gone. Where does that leave you? Where does that leave me?
If you have read any of my recent posts, you know that the struggle in 2018 was real. The loss, the heartbreak, even trauma, was so so real. I came into 2019 eager-beaver, ready and expectant to see how God was going to redeem my past. I saw some ways that it could happen and, for a moment, I was convinced that's how it would happen. I know I'm not alone in this. I'm sure we've all had those moments. It's what we do in the aftermath of that is of real consequence to us.
The disappointment lies in our expectation. It's not the fact that I saw things could work out one way that hurts, it's the fact that I was so sure that they would work out that way.
I'm going to shift gears a little bit, but I promise it will all come together. Let's talk about our friend, and one of Jesus' twelve disciples, Peter.
Right off, we know that this dude has seen God in an up close and personal way that very few people have. Who walked on water with Jesus? Peter (Matthew 14). Who was one of the three men taken up on the mountain for the transfiguration? Peter (Matthew 17 and 2 Peter 1). Who did Jesus name as the rock that He will build His church on? Peter (Matthew 16:18). Even among the disciples, Peter stood out. I believe his fire for Jesus and His ministry showed that he had great expectations for what Jesus would do. People don't sell out for things - for people - that they don't foresee great things coming from. But oftentimes life is like a pendulum in a clock. For every pull in one direction, there is an equal swing in the other when it's let go. So, as hopeful as Peter was for the work of Jesus, his disappointment was just as great when things didn't go like he thought they would - like he expected them to.
While I am no Bible scholar, I do know that many Jews in Jesus' time, disciples included, expected Jesus to be a political ruler. They wanted him to overthrow the Roman government and establish his kingdom on earth. When Jesus began His ministry, He performed miracles and healing, He confronted leaders for acting unjust, I'm sure it seemed as though He was heading right down a clear path to greatness for Himself and the redemption/salvation of the Jewish people from an oppressive government. After centuries of silence from God, all the broken pieces were coming together.
As Jesus' ministry progresses, it all comes to a head the night of His arrest. At this point, Peter, like me, is an eager-beaver. He's ready to see Jesus overthrow these Roman soldiers and the entire government. He's there for it. He wants to play a part. He pulls out his sword, ready to kill a man, but misses and only cuts off his ear. He has not by any means given up, then Jesus stops him simply saying, "No more of this." (Luke 22:51 NLT). Then He proceeds to heal the soldier's ear and let's them arrest Him without a struggle.
"So they arrested him and led him to the high priest's home. And Peter followed at a distance." - Luke 22:54 NLT
At this point, Peter is realizing that Jesus is not going to be who he thought he was. That is not saying that Jesus lied or even misled him. Most people had preconceived notions about what the Messiah would do and who He would be, much like we still do today.
Out of his disappointment, we see where Peter, quite literally, pulled back. I don't think it was an accident that the Bible points out that he "followed at a distance." I'm sure Peter was questioning both himself and Jesus. Was Jesus a fraud? Did he just waste years of his life by following Him? Or were his own ideas wrong? At any rate, Jesus was not who Peter thought He was going to be and He did not do what he thought He would.
As he distances himself from Jesus, he leaves room for his own fear, uncertainty, confusion, and unmet expectations to take control and form a wedge between himself and Christ. And it is in these moments of confusion and disappointment that we see Peter deny Jesus. Three times. Given his relationship with Jesus and the fact that immediately after the third denial Jesus made eye contact with him (Luke 22:61), I have reason to believe that he never stopped following Him. He only distanced himself.
I wonder what his story would have looked like had he moved close to Jesus instead of pulling away. While it wouldn't have necessarily changed the situation or even ease the disappointment and confusion, would it have given him peace despite the chaos? I wonder if Jesus would have whispered little truths to him and reminded him of the truth he already knew but had forgotten in the stress (like us humans tend to do).
In Peter's story, this is all very hypothetical. In my story, it is not. I still have the opportunity to choose.
As I read through this story, I saw myself so clearly. I saw the hopeful, expectant, faithful, eager me. I saw the stunned me, looking at Jesus with a "deer in the headlights" expression wondering what in the world was happening, how everything I was so sure of was now a huge question mark. And I see the me right now, caught between two options: lean in to Jesus or follow at a distance.
Like Peter, my first instinct is to pull back. I want to panic. I think, "Oh no! God, do you see what's happening? Our plan is failing!" As if God's plans fail. No, mine do. My ideas of His plan do. But His plans do not. God's goodness is not determined by the success or failure of my plans, and until I understand that, I will always be epically disappointed in my circumstances and ultimately in God. In these moments of disappointment and distance, I create a space for my own fears, doubt, unmet expectations, sin, hurt, bitterness, resentment, confusion, distractions, and ungodly desires to nestle in between myself and Christ.
When we are hurt and disappointed, we are vulnerable. We must guard our hearts in these moments (Proverbs 4:23). In these tender times, our hearts are freshly plowed fields, stirred up and ready for something to be planted. We must be intentional to plant truth, lest we be overtaken by the weeds of Satan's lies. The only way to plant truth is to draw near to truth - to Jesus (John 14:6).
Instead of finding hope in how He will redeem me, I must find it in the fact that He is my redeemer.
We worship the Creator, not His creation.
We worship the Giver, not the gift.
We find hope in the Redeemer, not our redemption.
The longer I follow Jesus, the more I realize that hope in Him is not always hope in what He does. While letting go of my own preconceived notions and expectations can be painful and disappointing, it is so very freeing. We aren't slaves to the circumstances of this life when we strip them of their power over us. Wrongly placed hope breeds disappointment, as we learn to rightly place our hope, we will find true contentment and joy - no matter how our external circumstances appear. As with everything, this stripping down is a process. A process that, I think is safe to say, is lifelong.
So I say to you in your disappointments, lean in.
And to me in my disappointments, lean in.
Lean into truth, into grace, into love, forgiveness, redemption.
Into Jesus.
But then He doesn't do that. Just as fast as you saw those pieces coming together, they start to fall apart again. The path that seemed so clear, so bright, so hopeful, is now gone. Where does that leave you? Where does that leave me?
If you have read any of my recent posts, you know that the struggle in 2018 was real. The loss, the heartbreak, even trauma, was so so real. I came into 2019 eager-beaver, ready and expectant to see how God was going to redeem my past. I saw some ways that it could happen and, for a moment, I was convinced that's how it would happen. I know I'm not alone in this. I'm sure we've all had those moments. It's what we do in the aftermath of that is of real consequence to us.
The disappointment lies in our expectation. It's not the fact that I saw things could work out one way that hurts, it's the fact that I was so sure that they would work out that way.
I'm going to shift gears a little bit, but I promise it will all come together. Let's talk about our friend, and one of Jesus' twelve disciples, Peter.
Right off, we know that this dude has seen God in an up close and personal way that very few people have. Who walked on water with Jesus? Peter (Matthew 14). Who was one of the three men taken up on the mountain for the transfiguration? Peter (Matthew 17 and 2 Peter 1). Who did Jesus name as the rock that He will build His church on? Peter (Matthew 16:18). Even among the disciples, Peter stood out. I believe his fire for Jesus and His ministry showed that he had great expectations for what Jesus would do. People don't sell out for things - for people - that they don't foresee great things coming from. But oftentimes life is like a pendulum in a clock. For every pull in one direction, there is an equal swing in the other when it's let go. So, as hopeful as Peter was for the work of Jesus, his disappointment was just as great when things didn't go like he thought they would - like he expected them to.
While I am no Bible scholar, I do know that many Jews in Jesus' time, disciples included, expected Jesus to be a political ruler. They wanted him to overthrow the Roman government and establish his kingdom on earth. When Jesus began His ministry, He performed miracles and healing, He confronted leaders for acting unjust, I'm sure it seemed as though He was heading right down a clear path to greatness for Himself and the redemption/salvation of the Jewish people from an oppressive government. After centuries of silence from God, all the broken pieces were coming together.
As Jesus' ministry progresses, it all comes to a head the night of His arrest. At this point, Peter, like me, is an eager-beaver. He's ready to see Jesus overthrow these Roman soldiers and the entire government. He's there for it. He wants to play a part. He pulls out his sword, ready to kill a man, but misses and only cuts off his ear. He has not by any means given up, then Jesus stops him simply saying, "No more of this." (Luke 22:51 NLT). Then He proceeds to heal the soldier's ear and let's them arrest Him without a struggle.
"So they arrested him and led him to the high priest's home. And Peter followed at a distance." - Luke 22:54 NLT
At this point, Peter is realizing that Jesus is not going to be who he thought he was. That is not saying that Jesus lied or even misled him. Most people had preconceived notions about what the Messiah would do and who He would be, much like we still do today.
Out of his disappointment, we see where Peter, quite literally, pulled back. I don't think it was an accident that the Bible points out that he "followed at a distance." I'm sure Peter was questioning both himself and Jesus. Was Jesus a fraud? Did he just waste years of his life by following Him? Or were his own ideas wrong? At any rate, Jesus was not who Peter thought He was going to be and He did not do what he thought He would.
As he distances himself from Jesus, he leaves room for his own fear, uncertainty, confusion, and unmet expectations to take control and form a wedge between himself and Christ. And it is in these moments of confusion and disappointment that we see Peter deny Jesus. Three times. Given his relationship with Jesus and the fact that immediately after the third denial Jesus made eye contact with him (Luke 22:61), I have reason to believe that he never stopped following Him. He only distanced himself.
I wonder what his story would have looked like had he moved close to Jesus instead of pulling away. While it wouldn't have necessarily changed the situation or even ease the disappointment and confusion, would it have given him peace despite the chaos? I wonder if Jesus would have whispered little truths to him and reminded him of the truth he already knew but had forgotten in the stress (like us humans tend to do).
In Peter's story, this is all very hypothetical. In my story, it is not. I still have the opportunity to choose.
As I read through this story, I saw myself so clearly. I saw the hopeful, expectant, faithful, eager me. I saw the stunned me, looking at Jesus with a "deer in the headlights" expression wondering what in the world was happening, how everything I was so sure of was now a huge question mark. And I see the me right now, caught between two options: lean in to Jesus or follow at a distance.
Like Peter, my first instinct is to pull back. I want to panic. I think, "Oh no! God, do you see what's happening? Our plan is failing!" As if God's plans fail. No, mine do. My ideas of His plan do. But His plans do not. God's goodness is not determined by the success or failure of my plans, and until I understand that, I will always be epically disappointed in my circumstances and ultimately in God. In these moments of disappointment and distance, I create a space for my own fears, doubt, unmet expectations, sin, hurt, bitterness, resentment, confusion, distractions, and ungodly desires to nestle in between myself and Christ.
When we are hurt and disappointed, we are vulnerable. We must guard our hearts in these moments (Proverbs 4:23). In these tender times, our hearts are freshly plowed fields, stirred up and ready for something to be planted. We must be intentional to plant truth, lest we be overtaken by the weeds of Satan's lies. The only way to plant truth is to draw near to truth - to Jesus (John 14:6).
Instead of finding hope in how He will redeem me, I must find it in the fact that He is my redeemer.
We worship the Creator, not His creation.
We worship the Giver, not the gift.
We find hope in the Redeemer, not our redemption.
The longer I follow Jesus, the more I realize that hope in Him is not always hope in what He does. While letting go of my own preconceived notions and expectations can be painful and disappointing, it is so very freeing. We aren't slaves to the circumstances of this life when we strip them of their power over us. Wrongly placed hope breeds disappointment, as we learn to rightly place our hope, we will find true contentment and joy - no matter how our external circumstances appear. As with everything, this stripping down is a process. A process that, I think is safe to say, is lifelong.
So I say to you in your disappointments, lean in.
And to me in my disappointments, lean in.
Lean into truth, into grace, into love, forgiveness, redemption.
Into Jesus.
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