"Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time."
- Maya Angelou
- Maya Angelou
I love this quote. The more I think about it, the more I have to say about it. I want to talk about it forever. Sadly, that is not reasonable. For now, I will make my initial point, and maybe one day soon I will let myself go down all the other rabbit trails I thought of in the time it took me to log on to write.
No matter what, loving others is courageous. There is risk in love. We can lose the person we love, we can lose ourselves, or we can lose our minds. Sometimes, I think we lose all three. I am quite certain that I lost all three. There was a time, just this year, I hated this quote. I hated everything about it. I hated the idea of love, the idea that I could trust someone to care about me, to not hurt me, to listen to me, even to respect my rights as a human. More than than trusting someone else to love me, I hated the idea of loving myself. Of trusting myself to make decisions regarding relationships, to forgive myself for my mistakes, to let myself love someone else again. I hated it because I was certain that if I were to ever endure the pain and guilt I was feeling again, I would not survive. I could not survive. I am hesitant to write this, but it's the truth, so I will: I hated myself. I didn't want to kill myself, but I would have understood if God let me die in a freak accident. I swore off dating and decided that whatever friends I had were the friends I would keep and I would not make anymore. I was done with myself and everyone else.
I'm not over it. I have my moments. But I'm getting better.
Today was a good day.
I sang along to a song that used to instantly make me cry.
But even more important, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at my eyes in the mirror. Let me tell you, I got real good at putting on mascara without looking at my eyes because it hurt me to see the emptiness, ache, and guilt that all seemed to settle in the place I had previously known as my eyes.
I went out for dinner tonight with a friend - a new friend.
I began filling out paper work to sign a lease on an apartment and signed on to be full-time at my job. (Big steps for a girl who thought God was going to kill her.)
I'm writing on this blog.
A few months ago I bought myself a ring. I don't have a special title for it. Lots of people ask me about it. I wish I could say, "Oh it's a promise ring," or something simple that everyone would understand. I suppose I could say it's my "reminder ring," but nobody would know what that meant. I bought it to remind myself to trust love, but not just any love, God's unfailing love and forgiveness.
I don't always love myself. People who say they love me might not really love me. People who really love me, might not always show it with their actions. This hurts. A lot. That's why I need to be reminded that I always have a love in Christ that does not hurt. He won't flake on me, He won't fake on me, and he won't fail me.
Just as much, if not more so, I need to be reminded of the forgiveness I have in Christ. One short phrase I thought of that I often tell myself is, "You didn't surprise God." Maybe I surprised myself, but He knew. He knew my sins, struggles, and stupidity before I knew my own name. It was that very knowledge that compelled him to go up and stay on the cross. He knew of mine and everyone else's brokenness that needed healing. Sometimes I forget that, but my little ring reminds me.
Sometimes I forget that it's a new day and I like to think about all my yesterdays. I think about how I was hurt by others and how I hurt myself. I retrace my steps. I have them mapped out and I can tell you every point that I should have done something different and what I would do if I could go back. (I always had a knack for history.) When I look at my ring, I remember that it's today - not yesterday. I'm going forward - not backwards.
I look at it when I make decisions. The ring itself has Psalm 46:10 engraved on it ("Be still and know that I am God.") It reminds me that I don't need to rush decisions and reminds me to think about all that I've learned. In her book, The Best Yes, Lysa TerKeurst says, "No matter what wrong has been done, there is always a right next thing to do." This line changed my life. I think about it a lot when I look at my ring.
I still don't know exactly what I could call my ring, but I guess, in short, it reminds me to trust love one more time. Maybe one day I will see it as a symbol of victory, a trophy, a prize. But for now, it's a simple but powerful little tool as I continue to fight the war within myself to keep trusting, loving, and forgiving - myself and others.
No matter what, loving others is courageous. There is risk in love. We can lose the person we love, we can lose ourselves, or we can lose our minds. Sometimes, I think we lose all three. I am quite certain that I lost all three. There was a time, just this year, I hated this quote. I hated everything about it. I hated the idea of love, the idea that I could trust someone to care about me, to not hurt me, to listen to me, even to respect my rights as a human. More than than trusting someone else to love me, I hated the idea of loving myself. Of trusting myself to make decisions regarding relationships, to forgive myself for my mistakes, to let myself love someone else again. I hated it because I was certain that if I were to ever endure the pain and guilt I was feeling again, I would not survive. I could not survive. I am hesitant to write this, but it's the truth, so I will: I hated myself. I didn't want to kill myself, but I would have understood if God let me die in a freak accident. I swore off dating and decided that whatever friends I had were the friends I would keep and I would not make anymore. I was done with myself and everyone else.
I'm not over it. I have my moments. But I'm getting better.
Today was a good day.
I sang along to a song that used to instantly make me cry.
But even more important, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at my eyes in the mirror. Let me tell you, I got real good at putting on mascara without looking at my eyes because it hurt me to see the emptiness, ache, and guilt that all seemed to settle in the place I had previously known as my eyes.
I went out for dinner tonight with a friend - a new friend.
I began filling out paper work to sign a lease on an apartment and signed on to be full-time at my job. (Big steps for a girl who thought God was going to kill her.)
I'm writing on this blog.
A few months ago I bought myself a ring. I don't have a special title for it. Lots of people ask me about it. I wish I could say, "Oh it's a promise ring," or something simple that everyone would understand. I suppose I could say it's my "reminder ring," but nobody would know what that meant. I bought it to remind myself to trust love, but not just any love, God's unfailing love and forgiveness.
 |
| My infamous ring. I get lots of questions about it. I've never really given any answers. I like to be mysterious. |
I don't always love myself. People who say they love me might not really love me. People who really love me, might not always show it with their actions. This hurts. A lot. That's why I need to be reminded that I always have a love in Christ that does not hurt. He won't flake on me, He won't fake on me, and he won't fail me.
Just as much, if not more so, I need to be reminded of the forgiveness I have in Christ. One short phrase I thought of that I often tell myself is, "You didn't surprise God." Maybe I surprised myself, but He knew. He knew my sins, struggles, and stupidity before I knew my own name. It was that very knowledge that compelled him to go up and stay on the cross. He knew of mine and everyone else's brokenness that needed healing. Sometimes I forget that, but my little ring reminds me.
Sometimes I forget that it's a new day and I like to think about all my yesterdays. I think about how I was hurt by others and how I hurt myself. I retrace my steps. I have them mapped out and I can tell you every point that I should have done something different and what I would do if I could go back. (I always had a knack for history.) When I look at my ring, I remember that it's today - not yesterday. I'm going forward - not backwards.
I look at it when I make decisions. The ring itself has Psalm 46:10 engraved on it ("Be still and know that I am God.") It reminds me that I don't need to rush decisions and reminds me to think about all that I've learned. In her book, The Best Yes, Lysa TerKeurst says, "No matter what wrong has been done, there is always a right next thing to do." This line changed my life. I think about it a lot when I look at my ring.
I still don't know exactly what I could call my ring, but I guess, in short, it reminds me to trust love one more time. Maybe one day I will see it as a symbol of victory, a trophy, a prize. But for now, it's a simple but powerful little tool as I continue to fight the war within myself to keep trusting, loving, and forgiving - myself and others.
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