80/20

80/20.

80% hamburger meat, 20% fat.

20% of people do 80% of the work.

I don't know what you think of when you hear the term 80/20. I think it's a fairly common concept, easy numbers to depict a ratio that is a large majority or small minority - however you look at it. For me, I think about a sermon I heard at the ripe age of 11. I don't remember everything my pastor said, but I have a vivid memory of him saying, "Some people get so focused on the 20% they don't have, they can't appreciate the 80% they do. You just gave up 80 for 20!"

That stuck with me. Every once in a while this phrase pops up in my head. This morning was one of those times. My first thought was, you just gave up 80 for 20. I've been pondering it all day. I could apply it a couple different ways. I questioned some of my recent decisions. Did I give up 80 or was I settling for 20? Was it 50/50? I tried to dismiss the thought, no need to overthink what I have already overthought. It doesn't matter because I am here and this is now. The only direction to move is forward. That's what I told myself, anyway. But if you know me, my attempts to stop a train of thought are usually as effective as my attempts to stop a literal train would be.

2018 has been quite a year for me. It has brought some of the best opportunities, biggest triumphs, and greatest blessings I have received in my life. Years of prayers have been answered, and I can see where God has been opening doors ahead of me. Even so, 2018 has brought some of my biggest defeats, deepest heartaches, and most painful regrets.

I want to tell you that I have risen above it all, I am building my castle with the bricks thrown at me, and that I am happier than ever. The truth is, I haven't. I am bitter and angry. Every day I wake up haunted by what I have lost. Right or wrong, I blame myself. The blame turns to shame, and the shame to hate. To the point I want to push people away and keep new people from getting in. To the point I will abandon writing, my biggest passion, for five months.

This, my friend, is what a life of 20 looks like. A life that is focused on what is lacking and what has been lost, a life lived with a scarcity mentality. Don't misunderstand me. This is not a life without blessings. I have been blessed more than my feeble mind can comprehend. This is a life that has spend far too long focusing on what is wrong when so much is right.

Nearly every day this year I have given up 80 for 20. God has shown me time and time again in the biggest ways the depths of His love, forgiveness, mercy and grace, and I have all but spat in His face, focusing on the losses and on myself. Every aspect of my life - my thoughts, my speech, and actions, have reflected this. For five months, every morning I have chosen 20.

I can't help but to think of John 10:10 (NLT), "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." I can't change the past or the fact that some things of mine were stolen and destroyed, but I don't have to live from that place. Through the grace of Jesus, I have the freedom to live from abundance. What is broken, He can restore; what is hurt, He can heal; and most importantly, whatever I lost, He is better. ("You have put joy in my heart, more than others know when their wheat and new wine have yielded abundantly." - Psalm 4:7 AMP; "You intended to harm me, but intended it all for good." - Genesis 50:20 NLT)

My summer goal is to focus on 80, and as my favorite author, Lysa TerKuerst, says, "Live loved."

Lord knows, I am so loved, and it's about time I start living like it.