Jesus is Better

Oh, friends. I am struggling to confine the swirling thoughts in my head to one readable, concise post. (An issue that has been plaguing me all year.) One thing I can say clearly is that my heart is full. In fact, it’s running over.

My first post this year was a rather solemn one. The pain and loss I experienced shed light on many issues in my life and heart. At the time, I couldn’t see that, but now I do. Because of that, I would take it all again in a heartbeat. Of course, I miss my grandma and think about her every day, and of course I still wonder why it’s so hard for people to be kind, respectful, and honestly just decent human beings; however, I can stand here with confidence and tell you that my relationship with God is stronger than it has ever been. It took the loneliest day of my life for me to begin the process of drawing closer to God – or to allow Him to pull me closer. That might be more accurate. It was during this time that I took a step back from blogging. I wanted to hear from God without any distractions. I spent many hours alone. I went on walks (three to four miles) nearly every day, began to learn to play piano, continued playing guitar, streamed many of Steven Furtick’s sermons, and kept a private journal. Many tears were shed (and sometimes still are), many prayers were prayed, many friendships were made/strengthened, and most importantly, many lessons were learned.

By the end of May, I felt that the time had arrived for me to come out of hiding, if you will. I made a bold reentrance back into the real world – I lead a three-day break out session at a church camp for teens where I essentially laid out everything that God had shown me while I was “hiding out.” This opportunity was such a blessing. Many students came to me to tell me that they were learning a lot or that my story had inspired them, so maybe it was a blessing to them. I do know that it was a blessing to me, though. Sitting down to organize and lay out all that I had learned in a teachable format really helped to reinforce those lessons in my heart, and being able to share with others was a great healing experience as well.

After all that healing, I felt much better. The pain that had clouded my mind for so long finally seemed to be clearing. Then it happened. I woke up this morning feeling a bit off. I was emotional about everything and felt a sense of loneliness that I haven’t felt for quite some time. I was tempted to listen to a sad playlist. I wanted to hear someone who was just as lonely as me. I wanted to know that someone else out in this big world had felt the same way as me. I know plenty of songs that would have done just that, but instead I began to listen to songs like “You Are” and “You’re Beautiful” and “Great I Am.” I felt a little better. A little while later, the loneliness started to creep in again. Tears began to cloud my vision as I ached for one more day in the past. One more day before it seems my little world fell apart. I kept remembering little details of all the people I miss and wanted nothing more than to go back and live it just one more time. Instead of wallowing in my misery like I tend to, something prompted me to pray. It wasn’t a grand prayer, but this simple utterance, “God remind me that you are near. I miss so many people, and I feel like I need them to be content. Remind me that no matter how great of a person I think they are, or how bad I miss them, You are more, You are bigger, and You are better.” Then I did something I rarely do – I quit thinking. I just sat in the stillness. I didn’t hear God speak, but I felt Him. I felt Him coming closer as if He had been waiting for me to simply open the door and let Him in. In that moment, the only thing I could think was this simple line from a song we sing at my church: Jesus is better.

John 16:32 says, “But the time is coming – indeed it’s here now – when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me.” What a beautiful verse. I never knew the kind of closeness to God that I have experienced the last few months. Throughout the course of my entire life, every loss, heart break, and defeat. From my dad who wouldn’t stay, to an abusive step-father. From broken promises, to unspoken goodbyes. From painful deaths, to untimely partings. All of it has pulled me closer to God. What I initially perceived as hurt, pain, and loss, has ultimately led to the greatest joy I have ever known. It took an excruciatingly lonely season of life for me to comprehend it, but I now understand, “I am not alone because the Father is with me.”