Restored

It's been a while (four and a half years) since I've been on here. I had a hard time getting logged in and I almost don't even know how to start! I don't have a plan for this blog and, truth be told, I didn't intend on getting back on it. As recently as a month ago, I told a friend at church that I "couldn't foresee myself blogging ever again."

I'm a bad fortune teller.

The Lord gave me back my words. 

My love of writing had become more of a nostalgic thing, something that a younger me with sparkling eyes, who did not know much grief, regularly enjoyed. A love that the locust destroyed (Joel 2:25-26). As it turns out, I've been following a God who is all about resurrection and restoration, a God who says that He is making all things new (Rev. 21:5) - and maybe this blog, my love of writing, is included in "all things." He's been making a lot of things new in my life the last four years! I went back and deleted several posts that I deemed borderline heretical, but shy of that, I left many up that I still consider embarrassing. They can serve as a testimony of what God has done. Moving forward, you'll see a lot less megachurch quotes and more puritans, hymns, and scripture. 

A lot of this started about five years ago in a dreary court room, on a stormy day with booming thunder. I had filed for a restraining order and was at the hearing. I sat trembling with a piece of paper that said "Jesus commands my destiny" in my pocket and held my hands in my lap under the table, open with my palms up, a physical sign of my surrender to the Lord. I had truly come to the end of myself and the illusion that I was somehow holding my life together. That day, there was no help to be found within myself. I only had the Lord and the people that He had so graciously surrounded me with. When the permanent order was not granted, I had to rely on the Lord all the more. That day, Jesus did command my destiny, and it required that all earthly sources of perceived security, comfort, or control be stripped away. It was not the police or sheriff's department that were going to keep me safe, it was the Lord who was - and is - my keeper (Psalm 121). By this time, my words were fading.

February 2020, I posted my last blog post. I didn't know it would be my last, but the onslaught of chaos in March 2020 brought even more fear and anger. My words left.

April 2021, my uncle died suddenly. June 2021, my second surgery for endometriosis was scheduled for September. July 2021, my grandpa died suddenly. Again, I was buoyed by the truth that Jesus commands my destiny, but the stormy waters of life were not ceasing. It felt as though I couldn't heal from one grief before the next was coming around the corner. All the while, my health was TANKING. I was on 5-6 daily prescriptions and was still absolutely miserable.  I was blessed to be able to have an endo excision, and wanted to do everything in my power to maximize the benefit of that surgery. I got rid of all my conventional cleaning products, candles, fragrances, perfume, lotion, etc. and started looking into prometabolic eating. After surgery, I was able to get and stay off all of my meds. 2021 was a year of life and death - the sorrow of losing those I love, and the joy of a second chance at life and health. 

2022 was somewhat of a continuation of 2021. I kept learning about nutrition and health and what is "crunchy" living. I dated for the first time since the court room, started a sourdough starter, I pondered the topic of faith and healing, and continued to grieve over the the previous several years' losses.

January 2023 my grandma had the first of  a series of three strokes. For the next six months, I was buoyed by the truth that Jesus also commanded her destiny - right up until her death. The second half of 2023 was largely spent recuperating from the first half. Losing another close family member, and officially a set of grandparents, brought up a lot of hurt from my childhood which prompted me to meditate on God's sovereignty and my identity in Christ. 

These meditations flowed pretty seamlessly into hard conversations and prayers on forgiveness in 2024. That is where I am now. Years of love and loss, defeat and triumph, hurt and healing, have culminated to this moment in my life where I am so keenly aware of the redemptive hand of God, His forgiveness toward me, and the necessity of my own forgiveness to those who have sinned against me. There's a confession somewhere in here, a confession of bitterness. Maybe it was bitterness all along that stole my words. But God in His kindness brought me to repentance, and has quickly restored much that I thought was gone.

I took this picture in my front yard last month. This is the backside of a storm that rolled through town. Before it hit us, it had produced at least one tornado and then dropped some intense hail through our town. I stepped outside when it was over and captured several photos as it made its exit. I am a storm/cloud lover, so these are seriously some of the most beautiful pictures that I have taken in my opinion. I felt so small and so in awe that this storm, these clouds, that are just a small portion of God's creation and a mere shadow of His majesty. Something about the view, the backside of a storm feels prophetic in a way. As beautiful as I find this picture, there was real damage before this moment in time. It's an appropriate visual for what this post is - a view of the backside of my storm, a brief snapshot of what God has done, how mighty He is to save and sanctify, and how merciful He is to care for mere people and that I am included in that. And yet, there was real damage done, real sins that need forgiven, real people who are hurting, real lives to be grieved, and the ache of some of these things will be felt as long as I am here below. Even now, even here, there is beauty and victory. May the words on this blog forever glorify the only one who is worthy of all praise, and may God continue to soften my heart that the root of bitterness (Hebrews 12:15) never choke out my words of praise!

Soli Deo Gloria