Even When I Lose I'm Winning
The past few days I haven't been able to force myself to stop listening to John Legend's "All of Me." I went to sleep listening to it and crying last night, and I woke up to it and started crying again. I'm kind of a mess right now. What's new, right? I don't have a love interest that I'm thinking about. I know it's a very romantic song, but it really applies to a friend. I've never had a friend like them. Through this experience I've came up with a new philosophy on friendship: everyone needs at least one friend that is so special that you can devote "love songs" to them, but not be romantically interested. I'm telling you, I love this friend to pieces. Every time we talk I am simply "Overjoyed." I've never dove in so fast with someone in my life. I am such a guarded person. I have actually surprised myself at how quick I've opened up. I don't know if they realize how big of steps I am taking in comparison to how I usually operate. It's one of those things where you want them to know how guarded you are just so they can realize how important and special they are to you. The problem with me is that I constantly feel annoying. I can't just relax. I'm always scared that I am bothering everyone. (That's the beauty of blogging - I can write what I want and know that I'm not bothering anyone because they chose to read this. I'm not just blowing up your phone.) Anyway, I've been scared lately. I'm scared of losing them. I've lost so much that sometimes I feel like I would just die if I lost them.
This friendship was one of the most unexpected things that has happened to me, and also one of the best. One of the lines in "All of Me" says, "Even when I lose I'm winning;" hence, the title to this post. A lesson that I'm trying to learn through this is to live and enjoy life one day at a time, and not worry about what may come. I can't force this friendship to last forever. If I try, I'll only ruin it. I understand that, and it's the last thing I want to do. I don't see it ending, but there is always a possibility. I've come to the point where I realize that this friendship has been such a tremendous blessing to my life that if I was to "lose" it all tonight that I would still be "winning." Having this friend, if only for a few months, would be a huge win in my life. I am so incredibly grateful to be able to have someone in my life whose presence can only add to my quality of life.
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