The Thorn in My Side

This week has been a rather rough one for me. I know, I know, it's only Wednesday. It hasn't been all bad. "Bittersweet" is definitely a word I would use to describe it. Yesterday, I had a "diagnostic laparoscopy." A few people have asked how I'm doing. The selfish part of me wants to say, "I was just diagnosed with a endometriosis, a lifelong illness that hurts like hell, causes internal bleeding and scarring, and has the potential to prevent me from ever having kids; I have two incisions that feel like they're on fire; my throat hurts from a tube that was stuck down it; my doctor pumped me so full of air I have to wear clothes three sizes too big; my insides have been mulled over and some of them even cauterized with a laser; and my medicine makes me so tired that the only time I'm awake is because I'm in pain. How do you think I feel?!?"

 I do not like talking about this. I only told about five people that I was having surgery. I don't like to feel weak or judged. Telling people that I have an incurable disease makes me feel weak and useless. Then from a distant place in pain-med hazed mind, I hear Chris Tomlin singing, "I lay me down, I'm not my own, I belong to You alone." Which is the reason I decided to write this post. At the moment, everything hurts. Not only am I in pain physically, but my heart is broken. Yesterday I only felt relief because I knew what was wrong, but when I woke up this morning, all I could think is something is wrong me, and it's not going away. And that something has turned my life upside down. It's going to be expensive. And I just want to cry. Today, I finished Jennie Allen's book, Anything. It's taken me months to finish because I'm that terrible of a person, but the words I read today were exactly what I needed to hear. So maybe it's a good thing that I didn't finish it in a reasonable amount of time. What I now understand is that this illness is not mine. It's not my fault. It doesn't make me weak. It's a thorn in my side (quite literally). I don't know why this is happening, and I don't know what will come of it. But I will not stay silent because it's obviously part of God's plan for my life. I won't be ashamed or embarrassed by it. It won't be my little secret. Instead, I choose to view it as a tool. Even if that means going through all pain and disappointments associated with endo.  I believe that God will give me all the grace I need to handle this. At the moment, I don't know a lot of things. I don't know why this happened to me, I don't know how deeply it will impact my life, I don't know how I'm going to manage it. I don't even know what I don't know. But I do know this: God is paving my way, He knew about this long before I was even a thought, and He has a plan for me.

When I view this diagnosis in a selfish light, all I can see is the pain and inconvenience that I have and will continue to experience. But when I lay down my expectations and visions for what my life should be and trade them for God and all his goodness, all I see is a new way to glorify God. I don't know how, (partially because I can barely keep my eyes open and nothing makes sense to me right now), but also because I am a simple human with a simple mind and a narrow field of vision. However, I won't let that stop me to letting my magnificent, all-knowing, all-seeing God from using me.