Moving On

Sometimes I have a hard time letting go. I hold on to everything that hurts me for no apparent reason. Late this spring, just over a year after getting removed from my church band, I was finally able to move on from the hurt. I was able to talk to the guitar player, the one who gave me the call, and tell him how I felt about everything and how he impacted my life. For me, that was the final step that I needed to take for healing. This last week I saw some members of the band and the church. I just smiled and waved. It was the first time that I didn't have to blink back tears. It was honestly an amazing feeling. It hasn't taken long for me to realize that, despite the huge milestone, I still have some moving on to do. I have made a few mentions of losing my best friend. This happened about two and half years ago. I didn't realize how much I still think about her and let all the mean things she said control me. I used to listen to "Let it Rain" by David Nail all the time. In the chorus, he says, "Every word, let it hurt even more than I deserve." Honest to goodness, I used to repeat this line to myself over and over again. It didn't make sense, though. In the song, the guy cheated on his wife and was clearly in the wrong. I didn't do anything. One day, she quit answering my texts. After a few months of me sending an occasional text with no reply, I finally asked if I did something wrong. She informed me that I triggered her depression and gave her anxiety. I won't go into the details, but she still has all those problems - even though I've been out of her life over two years. That didn't matter to me. I believed her. From that day on I was convinced that I was a burden to mankind. I have a difficult time getting close to people - not just because I'm scared of getting hurt, but also because I'm scared of hurting them. I remember crying in bed at night thinking that I'm just a monster and that I deserve to have no friends.  I have developed a rotten habit of apologizing for being "annoying." At the beginning of a phone call (if I made it), in the middle of conversations, at the end of conversations, if I feel like I've talked a lot, or if I feel like I've shared too many of my personal problems/struggles/etc. A few weeks ago I sat down and had one of my over thinking sessions that were for the better. I realized that I never felt like a burden until someone told me I was. Now, I don't believe that I was her problem. Even if I was, that doesn't mean that I am to everyone. I've been doing my best to not let her opinion interfere with my happiness now. I don't need to relive all the pain every day and let it dictate how I interact with people today. It's time to move on. I'm not gonna lie. It's a struggle. It's only been this month that I've realized how ridiculous I've been. I can't expect to be completely over it that quick, but I fully intend to improve every day. Even if I need "a little help from my friends."